its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
This is Ryan, Kristin's husband. I don't know if you meant to send that pic to me at 3am. You may want to call Kristin. Neat piercing though.
I'm thankful I didn't get drunk and shit my pants this year. 🦃
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Randomize
