You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
now i know why i became what i already was.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Randomize
