Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Randomize
