You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
FYI: Brian said he left me in the bathroom Friday night to shower and 45 minutes later found me with a towel around my head, my pants on and holding my boobs. No more Jell-O shots for me.
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
