This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
I was just tongue fucked into oblivion.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
