When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
him crossdressing on the weekends is awkward but not a deal breaker for me.
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
