And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
in the middle of it he kept shouting: im going to be masturbating to this for the rest of my life
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
So, if you were also having sex around 11pm, then we were legitimately being penetrated at the exact same time. That is amazing. We are soul sisters.
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
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