in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Randomize