so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
hahaha lucky. I'm fishing with some dude I just met when I woke up next to the mohawk river
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Randomize
