census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
batman just walked across the sidewalk
lay off the drugs
no for real he was wearing a cape
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
