I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu
So you're taking me there this weekend?
oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.
.....so he has a son. Josh. That is not his roommate
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
Randomize
