i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
I consider walking to the bars and dancing my exercise and I buy doubles so my drinks r heavier so that's my arm workout
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
Randomize
