I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
