I'm on that like soy sauce on rice
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
Randomize
