I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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