there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam
heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Randomize
