I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
EVERYTHING IS DISNEY. Even my sexting can lead to Disney.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
