Also do the "tongue the pee-hole" thing.
time to smoke my breakfast
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
someone was throwing condoms at us.
no, they just magically show up around you.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Randomize
