The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back
that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
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