a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
Randomize
