Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
haha it's ok, I asked people. I was like "I'm high and lost" and the dude just said "That's my life. Love it."
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
You can have my vag. Its useless without you.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
He was a half hour late. His excuse was that his brother knifed him right before he was going to leave. I didn't believe him until I saw the gauze.
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