I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Randomize
