Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
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