I only kidnapped one of them. chill
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
If I come home tho and find u passed out naked in my bed with the bottle of crown empty, we're gonna have issues.
I'm sorry, I can't help the fact that I like to sleep naked, and I like booze, together it looks bad, yes.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
Randomize
