Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
