I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Randomize
