Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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