I love black thongs
This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Randomize
