My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
Fuck twitter. Fuck men. Fuck bras. Fuck flip flops. Fuck makeup. Fuck perfume.
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