"Monday" is guna come over...
but its Thursday?
yeah, but she cant make it.Monday can...so there ya go
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Randomize
