3.50 mugs at the bar.
Nah man, im with an ugly chick. Im waiting til everyone's drunk enough tonight, they don't notice.
How ugly, and does she have friends?
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
I'm both gender and math confused
Randomize
