I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
So she is eating her margarita with tortilla chips....like using her chip as a spoon
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
This guy behind me is answering all of her questions. I may give him a lapdance to take my next test for me
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
Even my conscience is telling me to take this Wednesday's exam buzzed.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Randomize