I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
Eating breakfast at 1:30 in the afternoon stark naked is how everyone should live
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
Randomize
