Thanks for last night it was amazing as always
What are you talking about
You've got to be kidding me
I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
This girl I interned with got engaged today and I'm just like over here taking plan B with my tacos and PBR.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
Randomize