he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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