you threw up in thedumpster behind red robin
and kept yelling "DIRTY BIRD"
We need to rekindle our bromance
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
I was fine until "Under Pressure" came on the radio. It's like God wanted me to shit my pants on the drive home.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I dapped up a cop while leaving the party
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
Randomize