I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
Well, i'm not hugging a bag of cheetos and crying while I watch Friends wishing that we were Ross and Rachel. So clearly I'might doing better than last night.
I forgot wine drunk hurts
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
