a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
i find it depressing how it takes me longer to find a good video compared to the actual jacking off process.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
We just shotgunned beers for America
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
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