i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
