who do you think you are?
someone who doesn't ask that question
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
its liver damage thursday
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Randomize
