Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
We had sex in the church bell tower and somehow it still feels right.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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