last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
That's what you get for not wearing a bra and jumping on a trampoline
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
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