there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
when they cut me off i played the entire Justin Bieber playlist and left for another bar that didn't think i'd had enough to drink
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
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