some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.
Score one for dad.
I just got dropped off by that cop that pulled you over. Best sex ever! Consider that $140 ticket my birthday present.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
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