when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
