why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Cure to hiccups..road head..high five
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Randomize
