i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?
haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background
that only happened once.
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
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