I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
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