Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
Randomize
