the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
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