Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
fuck it. im taking monday off to do some Jagering.
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Well, if I’m not getting dick or sleep then I’m not interested.
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
Randomize
