I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
He was gone when I woke up. But he left skid marks on my sheets and our unopened bottle of Titos is missing
New Rule: No more sleepovers with guys we met on Reddit
Randomize
