so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Randomize
