I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
hooking up with chicks might be the way to go after all. walk of shame looks better in her clothes.
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Do you remember whose house we're in?
Randomize
