i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
Your friend was nice but you didn't have to bang her in my kitchen...just sayin.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
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