Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
i crushed up some extenze and put them in his protein powder - should make for an interesting gym experience
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
I just don't understand what you plan on accomplishing there except for losing all vestiges of post-freshman year dignity
Randomize
