My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
Randomize
