it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
Randomize
