your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
Randomize
