How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
I just called a child with a Yankees jersey a jerkoff. so much for a friendly day @ the ballpark
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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