i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo
Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
He started humming whilst eating me out. At first it was weird, but my new motto is now don't knock it before you've cum from it
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Randomize